I was having the most wonderful conversation with Thelma Drake the other day. You know Thelma, don't you? US Representative for Virginia's Second District? She's a big fan of your show. She knows how to deal with queers and dirty fucking hippies, too.¹

Well, anyway. We were talking about the history of our church. It goes all the way back to the earliest days of the Reformation. John Calvin was one of ours.² He imported silk worms from China to shore up Geneva's economy, the crazy bastard.³ Then his ideas went to the British Isles, which is where we got glum Scotsmen and Oliver Cromwell. They called people like him "separatists" or "non-conformists" or "Puritans." When they set sail for America, they were called "Pilgrims". By the time English royalists were playing soccer with Cromwell's head, the Pilgrims had already founded Boston, Harvard, and Rhode Island - by accident, after they chased Anne Hutchison and Roger Williams out of the Bay Colonies. I know that Rep. Drake appreciates this history too. After all, in her last campaign, she said:

"Our form of government does not work without a moral foundation...we truly are a nation founded on the belief in God. We were the first nation to be founded on the belief that all power comes from God. Before, all the power was vested in the kings."

Actually, over the years, our church has added quite a bit to American history. We were at the center of the Boston Tea Party, and one of our congregations hid the Liberty Bell while the redcoats occupied Philadelphia. We've been instrumental in founding such institutions of higher education as Yale, Dartmouth, Howard, Fisk, Wellesley, Smith and Oberlin. We're still trying to live that last one down, though it did give us Michelle Malkin. We took care of business in Salem, and scared the crap out of the nation with Cotton Mather and Jonathan Edwards. No, not the guy from North Carolina - the dude who preached on sinners in the hands of an angry God. Later on, Silent Cal Coolidge⁴ was part of our thing, and Reinhold Niebuhr, too. Niebuhr was the one who came up with the Serenity Prayer, without which Whitney Houston and your good friend Rush would be utterly lost.

How is Rush, by the way?

But I digress. Rep. Drake and I were talking, and it comes up that apparently we've been wrong all these years. Here we thought we were part of the United Church of Christ, when really it's the Unity Church, as in Trinity Unity Church of Christ, as you said on your show the other night. I'll really have to get my Certificate of Ordination changed. Don't they proofread these things anymore?

And even more shocking, we discover that we're not a deeply-rooted Protestant denomination after all. We're a black supremacist cult!

I'm sure glad that you had an ex-musician and salesman on the show to correct this dangerous nonsense. Why, if not for the eagle-eye of Erik Rush - whose previous contributions to American politics include brave calls to annex Mexico and overturn library confidentiality rules - the United Unity Church of Christ might get involved in radical causes! I'm sorry that you got pressured into letting Jeremiah Wright, the pastor of Trinity Unity Church of Christ, come on the next night to defend this craziness. We don't need to hear from people like that.

Even worse, Thelma and I - we're getting to be on a first-name basis lately - we agreed that if left unchecked, this kind of thing might draw radicals to Unity Church of Christ. Frothing-at-the-mouth dead-enders like Howard Dean, Bob Graham, and worse:

Five U.S. Senators are UCC -- Daniel Akaka (D-Hawaii), Max Baucus (D-Mont.), Judd Gregg (R-N.H.), Amy Klobuchar (D-Minn.) and Obama.

Five House seats are occupied by UCC members: Thelma Drake (R-Va.), Mark Kirk (R-Ill.), Jim Ramstad (R-Minn.), Fred Upton (R-Mich.) and Lynn Woolsey (D-Calif.).

Other notable UCC members include New Jersey Gov. Jon Corzine (D); former U.S. Sen. Jim Jeffords (I-Vt.); actress Lynn Redgrave; current U.S. Poet Laureate Donald Hall; Pulitzer-prize-winning newspaper columnists Connie Schultz (and wife of U.S. Sen. Sherrod Brown of Ohio) and Leonard Pitts Jr.; and Marilynne Robinson, the Pulitzer-prize-winning author of "Gilead."

The Rev. Andrew Young⁵ -- former congressman, U.N. ambassador and Atlanta mayor -- is an ordained UCC minister, who began his Civil Rights activism working for the UCC.

The late Rev. William Sloane Coffin, the legendary social activist who became immortalized as the pastor in Gary Trudeau's "Doonesbury" comic strip⁶, had ministerial standing in the UCC and served as pastor of the UCC's Riverside Church in New York.

Lynn Redgrave? Jon Corzine? Judd Gregg?? I fear it may already be too late for the Unity Church of Christ! Dammit, what's next? Quilters?

Well, Mr. Hannity, I'm afraid I've taken up too much of your time. I just can't say thank you enough for setting the record straight on this matter. Without you, people like Thelma and I might wind up becoming dirty fucking hippies⁷ ourselves. Thank you for saving us from a fate worse than death.

Sincerely yours,

the Rev. Daniel Schultz
United Unity Church of Christ (dangit, that's a hard habit to break)

¹Sorry to swear, but these people make me so mad. Also, I should tell you that I didn't really talk to Rep. Drake. That's one of these "poetic license" things. But seriously. I think you owe Thelma an apology. And Judd. Maybe Daniel Akaka too, just to be on the safe side.
²So was Huldrych Zwingli. He liked to kill peaceniks.
³This is true.
⁴Born John Calvin Coolidge, get it? He liked to break unions.
⁵He worked for the Carter administration. Black supremacists are everywhere in this cult. I'm worried.
⁶Does Mallard Filmore know about this?
⁷This is what we're up against.

(Image added at the suggestion of the Archpundit. Click on the pic for the details.