I tanked this week. I knew I was shaky on V-Day. I went to breakfast with my prayer partner and OA buddy. For this special day, the restaurant was selling cupcakes with the most enormous roses I've ever seen. (I would happily throw away the cupcake and eat the icing.) I practically broke out in a sweat. Well, I wasn't going to buy one in front of Cindy, but all through my lovely healthy breakfast and the prayers, I was thinking about that icing rose, and what really would be wrong with having it--besides failing in my intentions and fogging up my brain for the rest of the day. When we stood to leave, I took her arm and said, "I have to walk out with you so I can get by that cupcake." She understood.

Whew. One shoal navigated. I thought about work and where the goodies were likely to be displayed. I planned routes to avoid them. Then I went to class, the class I take for fun, to energize me each week. And the TA has a table full of pink sweets, and I know I'm doomed. I can't not take one of each: big iced cookie, little chocolate chip cookie, chocolate heart, and a mini cupcake--not as much icing as the restaurant item, but enough to make me sick. I'm close to tears. I've forgotten about calling, praying, writing, all my defenses. I'm down to JUST DON'T GO NEAR THE STUFF, and I got blindsided. Later in the class, on break, I go up to look at the books the instructor has been talking about...they're much too close to the goodies, and I have another round. I managed not to eat the entire iced cookie. And only the icing of the cupcake.

So that's lunch, I say. A bad lunch, but lunch. Wait, I always have fruit or veggies with meals. And I stop by my favorite restaurant and have a fruit cup and a diet drink (which I'm trying to avoid, but I figured this was an emergency). I pull out my laptop and do some work while I wait for the drunk-and-nauseous feeling to go away. To sober up, as it were. It feels like self-care.

So on this wonderful day of love, I feel like a failure. My defenses were down. I hadn't been doing my full hour of prayer, journaling, and meditating because work has been so busy. Not a good thing in a week my son goes back to jail, I've got a sick cat at the vet, and a sugar holiday is out to get me. OK, that's a bit paranoid, but I wish I could be like those mythical normal people that don't look on celebrations as something to defend against. I know the TA was trying to do something nice for the class. The fact that I couldn't enjoy it (though partaking in it) adds to my isolation and sense of failure, of being different and damaged. What kind of person needs all these disciplines just to face the world? And don't get me started on Sunday nights, when I customarily get sick or have anxiety attacks about going back out and doing it all again.

This is first morning I've been able to journal and pray again. I've managed a little bit of exercise today after refusing it for 3 days. I'm trying to be happy that after that binge, I went right back to good eating. Except for the handful of candy corn from the church office this morning.

I hope your Valentine's Day was better.

On Chewing the Fat: What I've been doing each week is seeing whether anyone posts a CtF, and if one isn't there by noon, I open the doors. If anyone wants to jump in, feel free. Loggersbrat and Rain have signed up for February 24 and March 2, but I don't remember which is which. I hope you do.

Blessings to all for a sane, healthy week.

UPDATE: Someone asked that I post the schedule. Actually there's not much of one, and it's already been cited:
Feb 3
Feb 10
Feb 17
Feb 24 - Loggersbrat
Mar 2 - Rain
Mar 9
Mar 16
Mar 23
Mar 30
Feel free to take a week. I guess I should say that if someone is scheduled, I won't jump in at noon or any other time. Don't feel pressured.
Noon for me is 10 PST, and I was going with that because the previous CtFs had been posted by then (and mine have been at 3:50, 1:50, and for today, 9:50--I knew I was going to be out all afternoon.) I'm in no way trying to take over; I just wanted the series to continue. Most weeks I haven't been up to anything more besides, "Hey, here it is. Talk!" Is that better than nothing?